E53 Why Do Compliments Feel So Awkward?

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[00:00:03.140] - Oliver (Host)

Compliments are such a curious part of human interaction. At first glance, they look simple. Somebody notices something about you, says something nice, and that's it. A little gift of words, freely given with no cost attached. The word compliment itself is older than you might think. It comes into English through French in the 17th century, but its roots are Latin. Complementum, meaning something that completes. Originally, a compliment wasn't simply a kind remark, it was a courtesy, a gesture to complete a social interaction, to make that moment whole. And in a sense, that meaning still lingers. A compliment is rarely just words. It's often part of a social ritual. And yet, what a complicated ritual it can be. Because if compliments are supposed to complete an interaction, why do they so often feel incomplete, leading to awkward stammers or embarrassed silences? Why do they land with difficulty, provoke embarrassment, or even sometimes spark suspicion? Why do they sometimes feel less like a gift and more like a puzzle. Think of your own reactions. Someone says, Wow, you look good today. A very simple sentence. And yet perhaps your brain spins into motion. Do they mean it? Do I look nice today?

[00:01:30.000] - Oliver (Host)

I mean, I slept terribly last night and I feel I haven't eaten healthily for weeks. Are they exaggerating? Are they being mean? Is there a hidden agenda here? It's remarkable how something designed to be uplifting can instead make us feel self-conscious, even defensive. Part of the answer lies in who is speaking. The same words carry different weight depending on who utters them. A close friend praises your new haircut, and it feels affectionate. A stranger does the same on the tube, and you may wonder what they want and want to try to get out of there fast. When a boss compliments your work, it might feel motivating. If someone lowered down the pecking order than you  you says the same thing, it could end up sounding manipulative or even sycophantic. And, whether we like to admit it or not, physical attractiveness matters here too. A compliment from someone conventionally beautiful may feel more flattering than the very same words from someone you don't find attractive at all. Their identical compliment might feel unsettling, even invasive. Is that fair? No, not really. But human interactions are rarely fair. So a compliment is never neutral. It is always shaped by relationship, by context, by social standing.

[00:02:53.880] - Oliver (Host)

That's why it tells us as much about the giver as it does about the receiver. And the way we respond tells a story, too. Some people accept compliments with ease. Thank you. I appreciate that. Others instinctively push back. Oh, this old thing. It's nothing. And some overthink, dissecting every syllable until the moment of kindness has turned into a moment of tension. Each of these responses could reflect something deeper, our own levels of confidence, our ability to trust, and above all, our feelings things towards the person offering the words. In that sense, compliments are diagnostic. They reveal not just politeness, but personality. And this is where we can bring it back to the world of language learning. Compliments are a perfect example of how communication isn't only about vocabulary or grammar. It's about tone, culture, identity, relationships. A compliment can be a double-edged sword, both a form of validation and a source of discomfort. It can function as pure kindness or as what we call a backhanded compliment, praise on the surface, insult underneath. In today's episode, we'll explore this fascinating territory, why compliments can ironically be quite hard to receive, how culture shapes the way they're given, and why they can sometimes feel more complicated than criticism.

[00:04:23.480] - Oliver (Host)

But before we do, let me properly welcome you. You're listening to English and Beyond: The Advanced Edition. I'm Oliver, an English and Spanish teacher from the UK. Here we explore ideas and language at a higher level, thoughtful stories, cultural reflections, and advanced vocabulary to stretch your English. Remember, you can always find the free transcript and flashcards at www.morethanlanguage.com, so you don't listen once and forget. You can return, review, and really make the language your own. If you want to leave me a review on your listening platform, and you do say something really nice in that review, please know that I will be sitting there reading your review, feeling uncomfortable, and over-analysing every word. With all that in mind, let's get into the episode.

[00:05:16.780] - Oliver (Host)

So, César, before we begin, I want to say - maybe look at the camera - so everyone can see you look incredibly handsome today.

[00:05:25.760] - César (Guest)

Oh, thank you.

[00:05:26.860] - Oliver (Host)

Yeah.

[00:05:28.280] - Oliver (Host)

I also listened to your immediate episode, yesterday, you didn't know this. I thought it was really good.

[00:05:33.760] - César (Guest)

Which one?

[00:05:34.470] - Oliver (Host)

The latest one.

[00:05:35.480] - César (Guest)

Really?

[00:05:36.100] - Oliver (Host)

I thought it was fantastic.

[00:05:37.200] - César (Guest)

Oh, thank you.

[00:05:38.140] - Oliver (Host)

Yeah?

[00:05:39.220] - César (Guest)

Thank you.

[00:05:39.740] - Oliver (Host)

Interesting.

[00:05:40.360] - César (Guest)

I feel so flattered. Okay, so this is the hook.

[00:05:44.060] - Oliver (Host)

It was not the hook, but it was a test.

[00:05:46.920] - César (Guest)

I feel used.

[00:05:48.100] - Oliver (Host)

Well, the reason is now, because I'm sure that what you will end up saying will totally contradict what you actually, your actual reaction in real life. So today, you may or may not know we're going to be talking about compliments and flattery.

[00:06:02.040] - César (Guest)

No, I knew that. That's why I connected the dots.

[00:06:06.260] - Oliver (Host)

But I'm going to tell you a little story, actually, about a little story yesterday where I was walking down the street and I bumped into a friend of mine, a personal trainer, my personal trainer, actually, here in Valencia. And he said to me, Wow, you look so smart. Normally - not the biggest compliment in the world - normally, he sees me in a tank top. And for various different... Well, I'll actually get onto the reason why. I was wearing a shirt, a proper shirt, like a button-up shirt. A button-up white linen shirt. And he said, Wow, you look really handsome. You look really well put together, really smart. And what do you think that I said?

[00:06:48.600] - César (Guest)

Well, you probably didn't believe the compliment.

[00:06:51.400] - Oliver (Host)

You felt overwhelmed. Overwhelmed is maybe a bit strong, but why do you think I didn't believe the compliment?

[00:06:57.700] - César (Guest)

Well, firstly, because the reason why you were wearing a shirt instead of a tank top. Also because you don't like receiving compliments that much.

[00:07:11.360] - Oliver (Host)

Well, so I was under the impression that you would also say that you didn't like receiving compliments, but you're right, I didn't receive the compliment very well because instead of just saying what you've just done and saying, Thank you, what is a normal thing to do, instead, I did what lots of people do, I think, which is I basically refused to accept the compliment. I said, Oh, no, no, no, no, actually I've got like a skin condition at the moment and so I have to wear loose-fitting clothing and I can't have anything be in the sun. So that's why I'm wearing this shirt. And you really think it looks smart? It's not smart at all. It's like a crumpled shirt that hasn't been ironed.

[00:07:59.940] - César (Guest)

I'm disgusting.

[00:07:59.960] - Oliver (Host)

Basically, yeah, I refused to accept that compliment. And so it made me think about why is it that I find it so hard to accept compliments?

[00:08:01.650] - César (Guest)

I think it's quite common. When you complimented me right at the beginning of the episode, I said thank you. But I was thinking, well, I don't feel that way. I've just woken up for... I woke up two hours ago, actually. But I haven't styled my hair, and I felt like I haven't even washed my face, I think. So I didn't feel... But I didn't want to engage in...

[00:08:26.280] - Oliver (Host)

Negativity.

[00:08:27.100] - César (Guest)

Negativity or any humbling rant about why I didn't feel that way. So I just said... I think many people just say, Thank you. And deep inside, they feel they don't deserve that compliment. And many times, not with looks, but with work-related compliments or praise, praising. Many people have the famous imposter syndrome as well, and they say, Oh, thank you. At the same time, they're thinking, Oh, well, if this person knew what I'm actually doing.

[00:09:02.580] - Oliver (Host)

But I think there are various levels and nuances to this, aren't there? Because sometimes, as you said, there's the imposter syndrome that makes... You said that lots of people will say thank you, and then deep down, they'll be thinking, Oh, no, I don't deserve this. Whereas I was wondering why it was that I don't just do that. I don't just think, Oh, I don't deserve this, but I need to tell the other person that I don't deserve it, that they are in fact wrong. It goes beyond just kind of like thinking, Oh, actually, I don't think they're right, to needing to tell the other person they're wrong. And I've always felt about compliments. There are two basic responses to it. Either, if someone compliments you, either you think that it is true, in which case you don't really know what to say or I don't really know what to say. I guess you can say thank you, but then you

[00:09:45.130] - César (Guest)

Thank you. I know.

[00:09:46.780] - Oliver (Host)

Well, exactly. If you actually said that, if someone said, You look really wonderful today. You look so handsome, you go, I know.

[00:09:52.720] - César (Guest)

I mean, you can say, Well, yeah, thank you. I feel that way. I looked at myself in the mirror and I thought, Oh, I look good today. Yeah, why not?

[00:09:59.380] - Oliver (Host)

Yeah, I suppose so. But I think that society, it's a lot like that scene in Mean Girls, actually, where Regina says to Cady, You're so pretty. And she says, Oh, thank you. And she goes, Oh, so you agree. You think you're pretty. Or something like that. I can't remember. But we are trained not to accept a compliment.

[00:10:19.380] - César (Guest)

We are trained to compliment others, but not to receive the compliments.

[00:10:24.560] - Oliver (Host)

There's that one possibility that you think it's true, and the second possibility is that you think it's false. And I think that means that neither reactions to a compliment is ever going to be totally easy. This is such a good example, this episode of chronic overthinking, which is something that we're both quite talented at. But I thought it was quite interesting the fact that I always feel quite uncomfortable when someone compliments me for however I feel about the thing that they've said. And also something that I think that I did a lot when I was younger that I now just don't do anywhere near as much. But I think a lot of young people suffer from this, which is the need to be right. So if you are having an argument with someone about something completely different, And they say, and they express an point of view that you don't agree with, the feeling that you need to convince them, you need to show them that they're wrong. I think I used to feel that way about lots of things, and now actually, I don't care at all. If someone thinks something differently to me, that's totally fine, more or less. But when it comes to compliments about me, I do still feel that need to show them.

[00:11:36.460] - César (Guest)

To fight back.

[00:11:36.960] - Oliver (Host)

Yeah, to show them they're wrong.

[00:11:38.180] - César (Guest)

Actually, I was thinking when you said there are two possibilities when someone makes a compliment.

[00:11:44.120] - Oliver (Host)

Gives you a compliment.

[00:11:44.620] - César (Guest)

Gives you a compliment. The first one is to take it, thank them. The second one is not believing that it's true. And the third one, and it's probably the worst one, is thinking that they are actually being ironic or they're saying it, but actually they think the opposite. So they say to you, Oh, you look very nice with that shirt. And you start thinking, Well, actually, he's taking the piss. He thinks I look ridiculous. Many people, even myself, sometimes, like when you feel very insecure, you start imagining things like that. People are actually saying the opposite of what they say.

[00:12:24.590] - Oliver (Host)

Well, that's interesting because I think that takes us onto two different cultural elements. One is, do different people from different cultures take and give compliments in different ways, firstly. Secondly, about this kind of famous negging. I don't know if you've heard of this, negging, but we all talk about that in a second. The first thing, do people from different cultures take and receive compliments in different ways? Because I feel like a lot of the time, British people, if you're wearing something really bizarre, really bizarre, ugly, for example, to take an unimportant thing that someone might compliment you, or might refer to. I think a lot of British people a lot of the time will say, That's such an interesting dress, or, I really like your dress. It's so interesting.

[00:13:08.040] - César (Guest)

It's very particular.

[00:13:09.000] - Oliver (Host)

And really, they're thinking, Oh, what a bizarre, unusual dress. But they feel the need to comment on it, but they can't say something negative. So they dress it up in a semi-complimentary fashion. Yeah. Would you say that that's something that happens in Spain?

[00:13:29.500] - César (Guest)

No. I think it depends on how well that person knows you, probably. But I think they would say something like, Oh, what a dress. Something like that. They would express surprise.

[00:13:42.060] - Oliver (Host)

But they wouldn't attach something positive.

[00:13:43.760] - César (Guest)

They might even say directly in your face. What an ugly face. Sorry. What an ugly dress.

[00:13:53.440] - Oliver (Host)

So you're saying the Spanish people shift the focus.

[00:13:57.460] - César (Guest)

Sorry, I meant your dress! Your face as well. But also I was thinking, I think one of the situations where everyone feels forced to lie is when...

[00:14:11.260] - Oliver (Host)

With babies.

[00:14:12.300] - César (Guest)

With babies.

[00:14:13.110] - Oliver (Host)

Was it with babies?

[00:14:15.260] - César (Guest)

It's one of the reasons. It's one of the possibilities. But another one is when you invite someone over for dinner at your home and you ask them, What do you think? Do you like this lasagna? I mean, what are they going to say? They're going to compliment you. Oh, thank you. It was lovely. It was very earthy. It was very warm. Even if they thought it was disgusting, they will compliment you. And it happened to me. You know who we were talking about?

[00:14:42.860] - Oliver (Host)

My brother.

[00:14:42.860] - César (Guest)

Your brother.

[00:14:46.240] - César (Guest)

Our sister-in-law. They came.

[00:14:47.840] - Oliver (Host)

My sister-in-law.

[00:14:51.360] - César (Guest)

She's my sister-in-law.

[00:14:52.180] - Oliver (Host)

I don't think that we would allow... Maybe. I don't know.

[00:14:56.820] - César (Guest)

She's my sister-in-law.

[00:14:57.750] - Oliver (Host)

Because we're family.

[00:14:59.260] - César (Guest)

We're family.

[00:15:00.220] - Oliver (Host)

Okay.

[00:15:00.940] - César (Guest)

But basically, they came and they're very particular with food. And we cooked this Spanish tapas, family-style dinner.

[00:15:08.840] - Oliver (Host)

A feast. A feast as such.

[00:15:10.340] - César (Guest)

They were complimenting me all the time about my culinary skills.

[00:15:14.830] - Oliver (Host)

While not eating anything.

[00:15:15.990] - César (Guest)

But they weren't eating anything. They were trying a couple of spoonfuls of everything, but that's it. I think it happens. I don't feel offended. But you cannot not compliment when someone cooks for you.

[00:15:29.770] - Oliver (Host)

Well, with that, they're allowing you to save some face, I suppose, right? Because otherwise, what can you say to it? But yeah,and I think that also leads into the idea of overpraising someone using a lot of flattery. I think sometimes people use that technique because they think that they're going to get some positive thing out of it. But I think a lot of... Some people in the world, obviously, respond very well to flattery, but other people feel really embarrassed by it because it's just... If they do feel like an imposter, then it just solidifies that idea in their mind that they know something that other people seem not to be able to see.

[00:16:14.280] - César (Guest)

The worst case scenario is when it's public, where you feel that a niche(?) spotlight, where, like, for example, in a wedding speech or speech from your boss in front of all your colleagues, your boss is praising you and you're like, Oh my God, I don't like this because I don't think it's true what you're saying or I, = I feel embarrassed.

[00:16:36.820] - Oliver (Host)

Everyone else doesn't really think it's true as well. Exactly.

[00:16:39.120] - César (Guest)

Everyone rolling their eyes.

[00:16:42.620] - Oliver (Host)

Well, let's talk about negging then.

[00:16:44.380] - Oliver (Host)

Negging is quite an interesting thing because I know that I think lots of people naturally do it without intending to. Then other people have developed it into kind of a skill, something where they intentionally neg people so that they can... Basically, it's to make them feel a bit insecure while allowing you to plausibly deny that that's what you're doing. So, it can take lots of different forms, and lots of people use it to pick up to seduce people of the... Well, I was going to say of the opposite gender, opposite sex, but I guess also same sex. But a lot of the time it will involve them in a back-handed compliment. So someone about your new hair or something might be like, Oh, I quite like your new hair. It's way better than your old haircut that you had for years. Or they may say something like, That is such an interesting shirt. I really love it. I think it's great that someone is brave enough to wear that.

[00:17:45.120] - César (Guest)

It covers your belly as well.

[00:17:47.600] - Oliver (Host)

Well, yeah, that might be a bit strong, but they might say something like, I think it's really great streamlining, actually. You've done a really great job with that. Well done. Or, Stripes are really slimming, aren't they?

[00:18:00.680] - César (Guest)

I know it's an example, but I'm starting to feel bad.

[00:18:04.540] - Oliver (Host)

Not everybody, but I think a lot of people, when they are negged, an insecurity is kind of triggered in them that they're not even necessarily conscious of, if someone has done it very well, and so they respond to this false compliment by almost wanting to win the approval of the person that's negging them. It's something that you get in lots of pick up manuals online, this concept of negging.

[00:18:35.520] - César (Guest)

I guess negging is a form of abuse, almost, right? Because someone is treating you well by undermining your self-esteem at the same time?

[00:18:46.610] - Oliver (Host)

I guess so. I think that the latter part, the undermining to the self-esteem is more significant. For me personally, I suppose that for abuse, I'd probably limit the concept of, or the word abuse to something that is intentional, and negging sometimes is intentional. So I think in that context, yes, it would be abusive. But I think it adds to the complexity of compliments in terms of sometimes you can react - compliments, I think, are often difficult to receive because you don't believe them or because you don't know how to respond to them or because you're not totally sure that it's really a compliment. And so something that on the surface is very nice and simple, we are able to overthink into being a small difficulty of life.

[00:19:38.120] - César (Guest)

Okay, I'm going to do some negging. I think you've done a great job with this episode, but I think it's better to keep it short and sweet.

[00:19:45.450] - Oliver (Host)

Okay, so thank you very much for listening to the episode. Please like, subscribe, all of the usual things, and we will see you next time. Bye-bye.